Nobody asks to be depressed. I try to my sense of it, over and over in my head. I think to myself that maybe this is part of God’s plan and there is a lesson to be learned. Other times I think why me, why do I have to feel this way and will I ever not feel this way? I refuse to let it fully control me. I will live a life that 60 years from now, I look back at, proud. Baby steps, I continue to tell myself. At the end of the day, I truly do think it is our internal struggles that strengthen us and that I should be grateful for them… it is just hard sometimes to find that silver lining at times.

I am an absolute horrible texter. I wish I was better but when you feel sad inside, talking to people is the last thing I want to do. I want to forget, to distract myself, to throw on another episode of “The Good Place” or “White Collar” and allow my brain to empty itself. I think of it like zeroing out my brain and pressing reset so the sad feelings go away. Unfortunately, it is so much easier to avoid those negative feelings instead of seeking help.

I feel distant to others, which I probably could attribute to my poor texting habits. It is this lonliness and lack of close friendships that I have identified to be the culprit to my own depression.

It all started when I stopped relying on people years ago when I was dealing with my own external struggles, refusing to open up to others. I tried therapy but I felt no difference because once again I refused to open up. I thought this taught me independence but at the same time I just feared judgement. I feared not being accepted. I feared people would find out the mental health problems, the money problems, the imperfection. The “happy go lucky” sixteen year old, wasn’t actually so “happy go lucky.”

Seven years later, I still fear rejection, fear not being good enough and not being wanted. Today, I turn to my laptop, expressing my feelings through wordpress. Truly, I think this is a step in the right direction. I know I can become the person I want to be, I’m just still working on figuring out how. Part of that how, is allowing myself to be accepted by anyone who reads this. I accept my readers for the people they are, for the struggles they encounter and I hope you all accept me too.

-T